We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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