I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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