And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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