Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
