I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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