just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
