he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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