i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
