I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so let's talk penis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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