I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
