I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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