nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
