the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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