the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
