I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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