btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
