there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
