Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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