wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
