I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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