He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
