she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
