Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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