So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
