If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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