Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
