mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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