my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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