break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize