i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
