i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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