I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
