So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize