i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
