I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
