they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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