trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
