im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
