Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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