I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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