I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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