All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
