I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
