I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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