no, he came in my armpit
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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