my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
