Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
