During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
