Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
