Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
