i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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