So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize