i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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