the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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