I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
