I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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