im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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