how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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