she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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