I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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