drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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