ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
