Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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