is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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