I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Green mimosas i think yes
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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